


Do you see me..?

by DreamingQueen



Category: Monochrome Factor
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-16 20:13:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7283143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingQueen/pseuds/DreamingQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Akira knew Shirogane only ever saw Ryuuko. Never him. The same with everyone else - why else should Kounii have saved him back then? Shirogane never would have kissed him otherwise too. But does the white haired Shin really think so?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do you see me..?

Akira had to get away. He didn't want this anymore. Those eyes that seemed to follow only him but in reality were only looking at Ryuuko. Those confessions of love ending with his name but were never meant for him. Why did the Shin even say his name? Why not just say 'Ryuuko' openly, or at least no name at all? If he would have done that, the younger one was sure he would never be in this emotional chaos he was in now. 

He hated Shirogane for it.  
He loved Shirogane despite it.

All those eyes he thought were looking at him - Kounii as well - were only looking at Ryuuko. Akira really had to look similar to him, the others wouldn't have found out by just one glance otherwise. Shirogane wouldn't act the way he did otherwise. He was sure, if they wouldn't look alike - maybe even act alike - the older Shin could hold himself back better. 

So now Akira was running. He was running, having ignored the calls of his name from the others, fleeing the bar Still and just running.  
He bet they didn't even know why he got just up and left. They had been talking normally, in their eyes at least. For him it became too much when someone - he didn't even know who - had made a side note about Ryuuko and just at that time Shirogane had leaned on him again, looking at him the way he did.  
It had built up for too long. Weeks, months maybe. Somehow he had lost track of time, going with the flow numbly when he realised just what he was and how the others must see him.  
He was glad Shirogane wasn't following him. Or maybe he managed to shake him off, or maybe he didn't care as long as the vessel would come back. 

Akira reached the park, breathing hard from the long run -he hadn't even realized he ran that far. Sitting down on a bench he closed his eyes and concentrated.  
He had thought about this. If everyone wanted Ryuuko they should get him. He knew that meant giving up his body, letting his consciousness fade away - die -, but he didn't want this. He didn't want this facade called a life, where everyone was just nice and cared because of someone he wasn't.  
But it didn't work. Ryuuko didn't 'answer', he couldn't reach the others consciousness. He felt something was there, but it didn't worlk the way he wanted it to. Why? Why couldn't he come out, swap with Akira and let him fade away? He had tried so many times, but it just wouldn't work. Did he wait too long? Did the other not have the energy anymore? Was he even supposed ro fade away so Ryuuko could come back or was that only something he had thought of himself and didn't actually have to fear for it to become reality? Screaming out his frustration he got up again, this time making his way home.

 

"What happened?" The bartender stopped his polishing of a glass, facing the others. "Was that Akira who just bolted away?"  
"Yes." Shirogane reentered, his hat shadowing his eyes. "I can not tell you why though."  
"You were sitting right next to him, you really tell us you don't know?" Kou was looking at him suspiciously, obviously trying to read the others mind. "I know you can be blind. You probably did something shitty without knowing if you didn't do something purposefully."  
"I did not." Shirogane lightly glared at him. "Purposefully at least."  
"Heh. At least you're not denying that you could have done something anyways." Kou glared one last time and then looked back at the others. "Did you notice something?"  
"No." Aya shook her head, looking thoughtfull. "I mean... He did seem bothered by something since a long time, but I don't see how it's related. He didn't talk to anyone about it though.."  
"So maybe someone said something that was related to whatever was bothering him and that made him react this way?"  
Silence fell, all of them wondering on their own what could have happened. 

Shirogane could not stop the feeling that something was more than just wrong. He shouldn't have let the other escape. A troubled feeling built up inside of him.

 

Akira was packing his things, more than happy about his parents having decided they would visit their other family members over the next week. One of his uncles, Akira nevr had had much contact with him and hadn't liked him that much as well, had died. He did feel bad, but it wasn't the end of the world since he barely knew the man and had only seen him twice. They would have to organise a funeral and decide about his will, since he had been living alone. Some other of his relatives would come and he hoped all of this wouldn't end in a fight. He really didn't care for anything that could have been left for him. His parents already had taken care of the matters with his school as well it seemed. All the boy wanted now was to get out of that place fast before Shirogane, or anyone else for that matter, decided to come back. He wanted, needed, to be alone. As soon as his parents called he was down the stairs and in the car. They'd leave today, Friday, and coma back Sunday next week. It wasn't long but it was better than nothing.  
Without looking back or telling anyone he left. 

~~

Akira sighed. Why did it have to be Thursday already? Negotiations about who would get what were going good, so they wouldn't have to stay longer as well. The funeral had been held too. Not that he was happy because of the reason he was here, but..  
He would have to go back soon. Only left till Sunday. Only three days. He didn't want to go back.  
Just by looking at his cell he knew everyone was worried and wondering about where he was. Of course, he hadn't even left a note after all. He still didn't think they were worried about him. Only Ryuuko. Always Ryuuko. He hadn't bothered answering calls or texts, but he had to have his phone on for when any of his relatives needed something. He preferred staying at the house of his aunt where he had been lent a room in. He didn't feel like going out and acting like nothing was wrong or overly sad. For his relatives he was acting normal, since he had always disliked too big meetings between them anyways and they thought he would be grieving.

He wondered, for the hundredth time, what Shirogane was doing. Was he searching for hi- Ryuuko? Was he worried about him? Akira thought the older Shin could probably find him if he wanted, so it seemed like he didn't worry. He didn't care anyways. He wanted to have the other close. He hated the white haired guy. 

Shaking his head he forced himself out of his musings. He didn't want to think about it, it wouldn't help anyways.  
Instead he hopped out of the bed he was resting on and decoded to go for a walk. It was evening, nice weather and he needed to clear his head. While walking he lost track of time and where he was going and ended up near a lake, deciding to sit down and stare at the watery surface. He tried flipping a stone but failed, so after the fourth time he stopped and just continued staring.  
Why did his life have to be the way it was right then? Karma? Was he really that no-good?

He was brought out of his musings again when he heard a screach behind him and released his doppelgänger just in time to be able to leap away from the enemys attack. A shadow. Looking around he was unable to find a rift anywhere but he had been told they could come in this world without one from time to time as well so he decided to just co centeate on the enemy before him right now.  
Leaping to the side to avoid an attack once more he blocked the next one, preparing to step closer and finish the shadow but then something got him from the back. The monsters claw had extended and bent, ramming the sharp thing right through his right shoulder.  
Cursing he jumped a good distance away and held his wound, looking at it and confirming that yes, he had managed to get poisoned. Of course that had to happen. He couldn't do anything against it so he concentrated on his enemy again, sidestepping two more attacks and managing to get it from behind, slicing it in half. 

Akira slid down the side of a tree, breathing hard and cursing inwardly. Only because he had been too distracted and careless. He had forgotten Shirogane wasn't with him for a moment- one moment too long. He'd probably die from this, seeing as there was no one there to heal him. So, closing his eyes, he allowed sleep to take him away into the land of dreams. 

-  
"This is not a good idea."  
"What...? Who's there?" Akira turned around, only finding a giant white space where he was, floating in nothing. "..am I ...dead?"  
"Not yet." A figure appeared, a distorted shadow of some sort. "This is not a good idea."  
"Who are you? Where am I and-"  
"It's not a good way of thinking either." The shadowy figure became clearer, taking a recognizable form.  
"You -"  
"I'm long dead. No matter how much anyone believes otherwise." The figure looked him in the eyes, seriously. "You are not though. Not yet."  
"No one cares. We-"  
"No. The last bit that had been remaining vanished. Tell them. And stop this way of thinking you have. That way those no-good ideas and useless thoughts like the ones you had over the past time won't come either." With that the figure vanished.  
-

Akira awoke, still in pain and without orientation.  
What had happened? The trip, the walk, the monster - right, he was dying. It must have been a hallucination. Right..?  
He got up, holding his shoulder.  
"I won't be able to do anything against this.. But.." He stripped off his shirt, looking at his wounded shoulder as much as he could. "It's... Not spreading?"  
He mulled it over, wondering if he hadn't hallucinated after all and if this was maybe his doing, his last energy. He decided he would see what would happen.  
He stepped on the doll, becoming visible for normal humans again, and started to make his way home. He was in pain but he could bear with it. He'd have to wrap up the wound though, since it did look like he had been stabbed with a sword and was bleeding in this form. So, sneaking indie the roone he was lent and managing to get some bandages as well he did just that. 

~~

Shirogane was sitting on the ground, leaning on the wall and staring at the bed a certain youth would normally sleep on at this time.  
He couldn't find him. He hadn't left a note, or any sort of clue, and Shirogane was sure he didn't want to be found.  
What had happened? Akira had just up and left after he had run out the bar, and even though his parents were never home Shirogane could tell they had left for a longer period of time as well.  
Aya and Keigo had told them the teacher had said she didn't have to hunt him down since he had been freed from school for some time, but that teacher hadn't told them how long or why, saying something about if he hadn't told them he probably didn't want them to know. They were family matters after all. 

Sighing the older Shin closed his eyes and decided to get at least a little rest.  
He'd wait for his Akira. He'd come back. Surely. Healthy and happy. 

He wouldn't know what to do otherwise.

 

Master looked up when he heard the door, listening for the footsteps.  
"...Akira, is that you?" He put the glass he had been holding aside.  
"..yeah. I'm back." Akira sat down on the bar before the Master. "I'm not staying long. My parents are on their way back home, but I became... Carsick, so I decided to walk." That wasn't compleatly true. He noticed non of those two were in here so he decided to greet the bartender. He hadn't been at fault after all. Keigo and Aya as well. They probably didn't even know all about him and Ryuuko.  
"They were all very worried. I especially never saw Shirogane so lost before."  
"..." Akira kept silent. He didn't want to think about the Shin.  
"Kou had been searching all week as well, we didn't know when or if you'd come back after all. Keigo and Aya tried to find something out from the teachers, but they wouldn't say anything and.."  
"I get it. I'll say hello. Just one of my relatives died and we had to go there."  
"...I see. I'm sorry."  
"Mh."  
"...Are you injured? I can somewhat smell blood."  
"Huh? Oh. Yeah. I guess I got so used to the pain and was too into my thoughts I almost forgot. Also, my shoulder went more and more numb anyways so, ...This jnjury, it's -"  
"Akira!" Aya called out, stepping inside the bar. "Damn you, where have you been?!"  
"Why did you leave without saying anything?" Keigo was right next to her, bombarding him with questions.  
"One of my relatives died. We had to go, my parents and I."  
"I see." Now Kou was standing in the doorway. "Don't worry about it then. Though you could have answered your cell at least. And I'm sorry about your loss."  
"... A lot was going on. And it's okay." Akora wished he would have had more time without one of the two reminders of why he had wanted to run.  
"Well, it must have been a hard time. So I guess we can forgive you." Aya pouted. "At least leave a note or something next time."  
"Yeah."  
"But why didn't you take Shirogane with you?" Keigo asked. "Also, was that the reason you ran away that time when we were here together the last time before you vanished? ...did you get a call or a text back then...?"  
"... I have to go now." He looked at his cell, in a way non of then could tell there really wasn't anything on it. "My parents are waiting. I just walked because I got carsick. I need to do a few things at home. I'll see you at school tomorrow though. Sorry, but I won't have time the rest of the day as well."  
"Uhmmm, okay..."  
Keigo and Aya looked after him as he left the bar.  
"Is that really it?" Kou had stepped out with him, watching him carefully.  
"...I'm sorry. You don't have to pretend anymore. Ryuukos last bit of power and consciousness faded. He's dead, gone completely now."  
With that he left, ignoring the irritated and questioning calls of 'his big brother'.  
"..I thought he was injured..?" The Master said out loud, startling and worrying the others in the room after Akira had left. 

 

Shiroganes heart was pounding against his ribcage. His parents had come home already, so of course he would be here soon as well. Out of the conversation the two had had he figured Akira hadn't felt well and decided to get out of the car to walk in order to get fresh air. He would come home soon. So he sat there, on his usual spot inside the boys room, waiting. Not long now. 

He heard the front door, talking, that third voice he had been hoping, praying to hear for, footsteps coming this way. They paused before the door to this room for a few seconds and then moved away again. Why?! Then he heard the door leading to the bath and calmed down again. Just a bit longer. Just a bit. His Akira was back now.  
He still couldn't shake that bad feeling though. 

 

Akira didn't want this. He knew the other was in his room, he could practically 'smell' it, wondering if that guy had even left once after he realised he wouldn't be able to find hik for a while, and he didn't want this. Using the bathroom was only an excuse to draw it out.  
He knew it couldn't be avoided though. 

"..Shirogane." He stepped inside his own room, voice emotionless and distand, looking directly at the other. 

What was going on? The bad feeling the Shin had intensified and he swallowed once before talking.  
"Akira-kun?" He didn't like the cold and distant way the other was acting. "I'm glad you're back, I was worried. I was afraid something had happened, that maybe you were injured somewhere, lying on the ground, or that enemies-"  
"A relative died. So we went there. His last will and a fun real and all." "I sea. I'm sorry, I'll be here for you, know that. Akira-kun, are you okay..?" He was getting more and more worried about the other. Maybe that death had hit him hard. He stood up, stepping closer to the other and wanting to hug him, but stopped in his tracks at the next words. "I'm sorry. He died."  
"...what are you talking about?" He really was confused now.  
"Ryuuko." Akira crossed his arms and looked away. "The last bit of his power and consciousness faded. He won't come back. I'm sorry. You can stop now."  
"Wh...?" Shirogane was in a state of shock. So now he was gone completely. He guessed that meant he was finally at peace. But.. "Stop what, Akira-kun...?"  
"Stop being the way you are towards me. I... I'm not Ryuuko. Now less than before. I never was, though. It I guess since some of him was with me, maybe I was a little, but... Who cares. I'm not him."  
"I know that. What do you mean, the way I act towards you... Akira-kun, you-"  
"Don't... Think I don't know..." Akira suddenly stumbled, his knees giving out underneath him. Before he hit the ground though, he felt two strong arms catch and hold him.  
"Akira-kun!" Shirogane guides him down on the ground, laying him on it, but his hand was slapped away.  
"Don't think I don't know." Akira was panting hard now, the pain getting stronger. He guessed Ryuukos power was fully gone now, even the last remmenants he had left to not let him die. "I'm not Ryuuko. And I don't want to be his substitute. Don't ever tell me... That .. Again because of how I look or whose reincarnation I was supposed to be, or am." His vision blurred and he could feel the poison spreading through his body. He did however still see how the look on Shiroganes face became more and more shocked but also understanding. "Leave...me.."  
"Akira-kun! Release your doppelganger! Now! Akira-kun, please! This is a wound from a shadow right? Then I need to heal it at its core, so, please!"  
"There's no need for you to act anymore!" He was getting weaker, but he was fed up. "I'm not Ryuuko.."  
"I know that-"  
"I'm not him! And I can't feel anything from him anymore!" He was coughing now. "I'm...not-!"  
"Akira-kun!" Shiroganes hand made contact with his cheek, hard, shocking the other. "I'll force you. Damn brat." He wouldn't play nice anymore. He 'grabbed' the others shadow. "Doppelganger, release." With that he was holding the doll in his hand, a transformed Akira laying on the ground before him. "You're stupid. What are you doing? Brat. How did you get that injury? When?"  
"..." Akira was surprised, and couldn't not answer. "On Thursday. There was a single one that managed to come through." So this was how it would be from now on. He never thought that side would be directed towards him one day, but of course. He wasn't Ryuuko - not even close anymore now.  
"Why didn't you manage to come back right away? Why didn't you go see Master?" Shirogane was fussing over him now.  
"...it doesn't matter anymore. I... I'm not even a substitute to be close to him anymore. You and Kounii as well. The two of you won't probably even look at me anymore. So-"  
"That's why you're stupid!" Shirogane wasn't having any of this anymore. "I know this! You may look alike, but you're not all that similar to him. Maybe you don't want to kill anyone, and maybe you think about others. That's it and it's something Aya and Keigo have as well. So be quiet and accept that I closed my past. I got over his death. You're the new one, his power and status incarnated. Not himself like he never died. I accepted that a long time ago!"  
"Don't screw with me!" Akira was barely conscious now, but he still fought against the others tries to help him. "Then what's up with that kiss the same day we met?! With those things you started saying after we only exchanged a few sentences?!"  
"I was watching you!" Shirogane grabbed the boys hands and held them above him with one hand, opening his shirt with the other to get a better look at the injury. "I've been watching you for weeks before we met in person, because I needed to make sure you were the right person! That was the time I realized you were different except looks! Listen, Ryuuko was a dear friend, but too different from me to be my lover. I once considered it, but it wouldn't have worked out. There were too many things we were too different in, no matter how attracted I was by his looks, that friendship was important to me! Then I lost him and realized my mistake. Maybe we could have worked out after all, that's what I thought. What if we would have been going out? So when I saw you and came to know about you, this time I decided to not only think about these things but act on the feelings. So I'd never think about 'what if's' again! And the more time we spent together the more it became clear to me. I love you, Akira-kun! Yourself! And only you..." It felt good to him to finally say his doubts out loud, the things he had been asking himself. He hoped the other would understand. Understand his feelings and what exactly he wanted to say.   
"...gane.." Akira had heard everything, was happier than he wanted to admit, but out of energy. He had coped with the pain for days, so much his shoulder felt more numb than anything else, so he had reached his limit. "..sorry."  
"Akira-kun!" Shirogane hugged the now unconscious boy close, sucking out the poison the way he had done it once before. Before all of this became a big mess. When he was done he gathered the younger one in his arms and made his way towards the bar Still as fast as he could. 

~~

It was the middle of the night now. Shirogane was sitting beside the bed Akira was lying in, his own bed at his hous. Master had managed to heal him completely, but it had taken all his strength. That alone showed how bad his condition had been.  
He hadn't told Aya and Keigo anything, but Kou had asked him if he knew anything, if Akira had said anything about Ryuuko, so he had told him at least. The Rei had been shocked, not having noticed the others inner conflict and doubts. He had wanted to shake the younger Rei awake, punch him and scream at him, but Shirogane had held him back.  
They both realized this would take some time. They would have to give it their best to show him they cared about Akira himself. It may be true that they only met because of Ryuuko, but wasn't that a good thing? They never would have ment an other, normal way. 

"..Shi..ne."  
"Akira-kun!" He was holding his hand and stroking his hair in a matter of seconds. "Are you all right? What were you thinking? I don't know what I would have done if I would have lost you, Akira-kun, you-"  
"Sorry." His voice was weak and he knew he would have to lie to his parents and tell them the car sickness is was more than that and he was sick now. He wouldn't be able to go to school like this. "Sorry."  
"Stop apologising. How do you feel?"  
"...hurts. Not gonna get up soon.."  
"Akira-kun..." He paused. "I am sorry. I should have realized something. You... That day you ran because we were talking about him, correct?"  
"...no. Because...you were like that again when we were talking about him."  
"I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention. Akira-kun, you were listening to what I was telling you correct?" A nod. "Ryuuko may have been the reason we met and I found you. But that is all."  
"..I talked to him. I thought... I was hallucinating after I got the injury. He... Told me I had bad ideas." He heard the other chuckle. "And a bad way of thinking. And that I should change it."  
"I can see that. He probably realized all about what was going on. He was the kind of guy who'd act like that."  
"...he was nice. I'm-"  
"He was. Don't. I - we, Kou as well. Accepted it. A long time ago. We know it's you. We want it to be you. I need it to be you." Shirogane leaned down, lips locking with Akiras. Soft at first, then growing more passionate. "I love you Akira-kun."  
"...Shiro." A light red was dusting his cheeks. "I... I-..."  
"You don't need to say it. I can tell from everything you did and said. Akira-kun.." 

They kissed again, letting their feelings flow in and giving each other everything.  
Akira could swear he could feel Ryuuko smiling and when he locked eyes with Shirogane, he was too.  
He did have some doubts left. But he'd be open to letting them be erased. So he didn't do anything else but respond to the love Shirogane showed him.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I didn't actually read the manga. I saw the anime, and wanted to read some stories about it, which were pretty good and detailed so I know what's going on, but then they were all about Akira being the vessel for Ryuuko. I don't know why but that pissed me of. Cause Shirogane only loves Akira. So. There. 
> 
> Don't know how good this is, sorry for grammar and spelling as English is not my first language. Feel free to point out mistakes, I like bettering myself. Also, not proof read so, yeah. Had to get this out of my head by not much time.


End file.
